Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Calliope by Cole Knight


            Life like a calliope. A waltz. One, two, three. One, two, three. One, swei, three. Eins, swei three. One, three, three. Four, five, three. One, three, three. One, two, three.  Sometimes it's too much for me. It's always too much for me.  For me. For me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
            Do geese see god? Racecar. Otto. Hannah. Bob.
            No.  No. Not again. Not now, now here, not there, not then, never.  They won't let me go. Let me go. Please, why won't you let me go?  I didn't do anything. I swear to God, I didn't do anything. Oh please, let me go. I'll do whatever you want me to do, I'll do anything, I swear! Please let me go. I promise! I promise, I swear! I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear. Please. I swear.
            And then then they reach out and touch me. Scratch me. Tear me. I scream without a sound, desperately trying to hold onto something. If I don't hold onto something, they'll destroy me. Unfortunately, I hold onto my own skin. I rip, and tear, desperately trying to hold on. I feel my resolve start to break, but I can't let go. I can never let go. I'm afraid to know what would happen, if I were to ever let go.
            Perhaps I can force them to be silent. I thrash as hard as I can and slam my head into the wall. I fall to the ground, or maybe through it. They laugh at me. They always laugh at me. Stop laughing. Laughing. Laughing. Laughter. No. The world rises up to swallow me whole, I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready. Let me see my family again, let me cuddle with my dog, let me see my girlfriend. She makes me feel  better. I want to stay with her, in that safe place, the place where no one hurts me. The place where I can't be seen, and where I can't hear them.
            Oh, god. Take me. Just let my family be safe. Don't take my family, don't take my dog, don't take my girlfriend. Just take me. Just take me. Just take me. Just take. Me. Me. Take me.
            Somewhere between heaven and hell now. Where am I? They've stopped talking, but I can't see. It's dark. I feel like I'm alive, but I might be dead. What happened? Where am I? What happened? How? What? I can't move. They caught me. They finally caught me. I knew this would happen if I didn't hold on. I feel like my heart is going to stop, I'm too afraid to think. Oh, god. It's over. It's all over.  I promised her that I'd be OK; I'm just a dirty liar. I've always been just a dirty liar. I deserve this, I deserve to die. I was never good enough for her. She doesn't need me. She doesn't want me. She hates me. They all do. They must. They do. They must. Must. They. Must. Do. Must.
            I was never good enough. I never will be good enough. Not even for my dog. Even my dog deserves better than me.
            Kill me. You've taunted me for years, so just do it. Kill me. Take what you want. I hate you, but I hate myself more. Yes, I hear you. You're talking about me. Do it. Kill me. It's my time to go, It's time for me to go. Hurry up, you're wasting my time just do it! I'm too tired. Exhausted. I don't have any energy left, I can't possibly go on.
            They're coming closer. Closer. I can see them. Hear them. They always say, 'don't go into the light,' but I'm going to let it come. I can't fight anymore. No more energy. No more. I don't have any more. My strength has left me this time. I will feel relief when I no longer have to fight. They come closer. Closer. Closer. I let them come. I want them to come. Take it all away, make it go away. I don't want to fight anymore. I can't fight anymore. No more. No more.
          What? The voices aren't theirs. I can hear my family, my friends, my girlfriend. This isn't right. No. How did they get here? How did they get captured too? No, I've failed them. I couldn't protect them. I wasn't good enough. Oh, god, no. 
         But I'm not dead, and it isn't my head where I'm hearing these things. I can see. I can see my family. It all begins to make sense now. I know what happened, but I don't want to think about it. I'm such an inconvenience. I shouldn't have ever skipped my medication. My mind is racing, a million miles every second but things become so much more clear than they were before. I see tears in my beloved's eyes, I hold her tight to my body while they continue pumping the I.V. drip full of the drugs I need just to simply function. It's ok now, I'm in my safe place. No one can hurt me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me.
      I'm alright now. Everything is going to be ok. I'm safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.
      I am never safe.

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